personally

i've moved on

2011-03-17T11:59:00.001+08:00

ache.

2010-06-08T01:46:00.000+08:00

i thank You that its surfacing now. I've not had this stirring within for a long time.

take away these feelings if they're not from You Dad, I don't want to hold on to it (though I dread it and want to). I will choose to surrender.

I want to seek You first and foremost.

Dad, You know the desires of my heart.. (it aches now in fact)

help me let go, help me let go.

i don't want to hope in something that isn't meant.

2010-05-30T01:04:00.001+08:00

i sigh.

cuz the words can't come out.

2010-04-20T09:24:00.001+08:00

I've had two realizations,

1- As I was talking to my mum during dinner, she was talking about some events in the past and some current issues, she kept praising God for things that have happened. As I thought about it, I realized God indeed has been blessing my family. He has heard and He has answered! Praise God. And I thank God as I write this down.

2- Sin robs us of our joy. And the sense of guilt/shame drives us away from God. With these thoughts, I sought to read His Word:

Hebrews 9:22
In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.

Two things: I am forgiven and it was Only through the blood of Jesus that was shed for me. I cannot earn forgiveness.

I struggle with self-righteousness, with that I struggle with guilt. Along with self-righteousness, I don't see the difference between my life then and now. A question my brother asked me

What did Jesus saved you from?

I couldn't answer it.

This morning I woke up and this thought came to me, I've found my answer.

A godless life with sin and a refusal to face them, constantly distracting myself with things (eg. gaming, work). I can fully understand Craig Thompson's words when he says;

With nothing to do, I was left to face how unhappy I was.

Jesus came for the sick and not for the well. I personally thought that I was pretty good but a life check brought otherwise. I am not well.

My sins have been forgiven through the blood of the Lamb. Only His blood. And I praise God for it.

I thank You for bringing my sins up. Not as a way to accuse me, but as a gentle reminder of who I was and could be without You.

2010-04-20T09:24:00.000+08:00

I've had two realizations,

2- Sin robs us of our joy. And the sense of guilt/shame drives us away from God. With these thoughts, I sought to read His Word:

Hebrews 9:22
In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.

Two things: I am forgiven and it was Only through the blood of Jesus that was shed for me. I cannot earn forgiveness.

I struggle with self-righteousness, with that I struggle with guilt. Along with self-righteousness, I don't see the difference between my life then and now. A question my brother asked me

What did Jesus saved you from?

I couldn't answer it.

This morning I woke up and this thought came to me, I've found my answer.

A godless life with sin and a refusal to face them, constantly distracting myself with things (eg. gaming, work). I can fully understand Craig Thompson's words when he says;

With nothing to do, I was left to face how unhappy I was.

Jesus came for the sick and not for the well. I personally thought that I was pretty good but a life check brought otherwise. I am not well.

My sins have been forgiven through the blood of the Lamb. Only His blood. And I praise God for it.

I thank You for bringing my sins up. Not as a way to accuse me, but as a gentle reminder of who I was and could be without You.

2010-04-15T13:53:00.000+08:00

i huff and i puff and i sigh.

2010-04-13T13:57:00.001+08:00

Realized that I’ve been wanting to hear You the way i want to and (probably) not the way You want me to listen.

Your still small voice like a gentle whisper.

2010-03-21T09:17:00.002+08:00

am amazed that rachel wore headphones throughout the movie

sure it was really loud though but i find it hilarious esp for the audience sitting behind her

2010-03-16T16:12:00.001+08:00

while i was showering

i saw a glimpse of my parents recieving Christ into their life, and the scene i saw was my parent's water baptism... and me, being there baptising my dad...

i was overwhelmed.

2010-03-16T13:00:00.003+08:00

thanks

thanks for speaking into my life

thanks for being honest, even if it means to risk the friendship

thanks for encouraging me

thanks for sharing your stories

it inspires me and i praise God for this friendship that i have with you

i'm strengthened :)

thanks yenling

2010-03-16T12:55:00.003+08:00

thank God for the peace and joy that i can have only through You :)

i will still praise You no matter what happens.

for i know that in all things, you work for the good of me who loves You, who is called according to Your purpose.

You will not shortchange me O King.

2010-03-03T13:08:00.003+08:00

think i've been reading too much into things.

patience, too, is what i need.. and loads of wisdom too

2010-03-01T12:31:00.002+08:00

Was really distracted yesterday with alot of thoughts filling my mind.

negative ones especially. i couldn't focus.

stopped to list out my thought and did some digging.

i was disappointed and was still nursing the disappointed,

i realized i've got unreasonable expectations which are not voiced out which of course leads to it not being met and me being disappointed.

i scolded myself for thinking this way.

should i lower my expectation? not a compromise either.

but yeah, i realized that i've gotten spiteful too and would want to intently make someone who disappointed me feel bad. (i'd make you feel bad for making me feel bad)

-what goes around comes around.

but i realized, thats unfair and stupid. the person doesn't even deserve this.

and as i highlighted this inner ugliness of mine i knew i had to bring it to light.

an ugly side of me.

God blessed the time though. i was amazed :) :)

2010-02-21T11:21:00.001+08:00

comforted :)

good to catch up with good 'ol friends :D

_

2010-02-20T13:35:00.001+08:00

_
Originally uploaded by sam.edmonds

the joys of a hassey.
clear horizon and lovely skies..
where can i get in singapore.. :(

2010-02-20T12:04:00.002+08:00

God is gooooood!!!

blessed me with food craving and furthermore when i thought i missed the last bus, it popped by :)

Thanks Dad :)

for dropping by with Your Word.

i will be still and know that You are my God :)

2010-02-11T11:36:00.003+08:00

i realized that i've a preconcepted mindset of how heaven would be

and when i think about other kinds of realities, like medieval era, villages or the lush world of pandora, i'm absorbed into it.

then i realized these worlds were competing with my heaven.

and suddenly, heaven didn't seem much fun to be in for eternity.

avatar caused depression to some. thats a fact. because it showed a world, a paradise. it showed people, cultures, lifestyles. and because there were humans in it, it feels so near, yet the thought of it being all fake, like a dream, is depressing.

truth is many times we want to go somewhere better

and media does its magic to show something better. may it be games, movies, etc.

we are absorbed into worlds as we consume the media. it promises an adventure, a world to explore, magic, technology. (see how "back to reality" hits people after finishing?)we like it because it offers an alternate reality.

and suddenly, the notion of heaven feels so old compared to these "modern" worlds. it loses its appeal.

and theres the danger in it.

and i have to remind myself,

no eyes has seen, no ears has heard, no mind can conceive what the Lord has prepared for those who trust in Him. :)

i remember an old song:

Heaven is a wonderful place

filled with glory and grace

I want to see my Saviour's face

Heaven is a wonderful place

then i remember, it cares not what heaven will be. (though it helps to know that heaven surpasses our wildest imaginations)

what matters is where my Saviour is :)

2010-02-11T01:45:00.004+08:00

thoughts

2010-01-08T15:54:00.002+08:00

me being a workaholic have come to a realization that at the end of the day
what i do doesn't even matter..
what counts is my closeness with God
if the things i do cause me to drift far away
then at the end of the day i'd be a mile away from Him without even realizing it.
that its ok to do less things but in those, i find Him, i grow to rely, draw nearer to Him..

having a busy schedule is nice to see (accomplished) as compared to being seen as lazing and doin nothing but missing God is far worst.

are my activities drawing me away?

seeking God as a routine/part of an agenda?

guess its how we see why we need Him in our lives

is it a routine or a genuine need for Him?
we can, however, go to Him without a so called agenda
which is exalting, praising and worship. go to Him in thanksgiving
instead of always recieving from Him
bless and exalt His name too
least we forget why we do the things we do
least we forget what He has done

and least we forget why we need Him

God doesn't need us to praise, thank, worship Him.

We need to. We need to because we have the tendency to forget, neglect and take things for granted and be complacent.

We need to see where is our position and who we are before our mighty God.

We are at His mercy, everyday.

Jas4:13-16

Was reading up the book of James recently. looking for a verse but couldn't find it but anyway, was glad i did.

The verse above reminded me of my position in Him. That i am constantly at His mercy. The fact that i can breathe, i can type right now, is His gift and mercy by His grace. i'm humbled.

My dreams are subject to His approval.

My ambitions and plans too.

Who am I to say that I will do it? who am I to say that He will lead me when in fact I'm leading myself?

Just by simply adding a few words in the sentences changed one's attitude.

instead of so often saying

God I want to do this! Help me!

say

God, if its your will, bless me with this that i want to do.

know our position before Him.

Do we consult God with our decisions daily? :)

book of James also spoke alot about doing things. eg. Jas4:17

Don't just listen and agree but do it. Lets put to practise with what we learn and read!

Show our faith by what we do.

read the Word!

2009-12-20T13:13:00.002+08:00

God revealed 2 things about me yesterday.

That i treat God like a pet, something that i will commit myself once in a while, when i feel like it, when i'm tired, when i'm free/not busy. i don't go to it when i'm happy, i neglect it once in a while.

____

What i've been holding back: time.

i'm scared of commitments because more commitment ultimately takes up more of my time. i want time for myself. (rest time, i can be quite a phleg) and my ever-increasing to-do lists. then it hit me, why am i fighting for my own time for rest and recreational and comfort when the best time i can have, is with Him? For His burden is light and His yoke, easy. He gives me rest and refreshes me.

Do I believe that other things can give me rest more than God?

God is indeed patient.

please forgive me for thinking this way.

selfish with my time with and for Him, not myself.

2009-12-20T13:12:00.002+08:00

its funny to give a birthday present and also recieve one on the same day from the person i gave to! LOL!

:) :) :)

2009-12-20T13:10:00.002+08:00

touched. :)

the response i got from the video was something i was reminded of my past videos.

how it touched people.

it is, definitely, God behind it. :)

i'm touched and amazed at how God can use it :)

2009-12-19T03:37:00.003+08:00

some thoughts that were shared to me and my own

at the end of the day, our walk with God is not dependent on what we do or do not do, but really our faith and trust in Him.

not by our own hands.

but simply faith and obedience.

we can never, never please God with our own hands.

we can never save ourselves.

without faith, it is impossible, not possible to pleas God.

why do we serve God? obligation? desire? duty?

question is Do we want to serve God instead of do we mind serving God

then again, we have to be wary. why do we serve? and who do we serve?

its easy to be absorbed into ministry.

in the end we serve the ministry and miss out God.

ministry then becomes our God

2009-12-14T09:07:00.002+08:00

He doesn't make mistakes, we do.

But despite that, He still rights us, working in and through us.

and even with past mistakes, He is still with us.

We can still be who He wants us to be, if we go back to Him.

2009-12-14T08:51:00.002+08:00

i can't complete you and i shan't and i will resist the want to do so.

2009-12-14T08:43:00.002+08:00

when all's said and done,

this ugly world is one that is still cherished.

He never abondoned this place. Never will.

If there's one thing I've learnt about Him, it's that

He longs to be with His people.

Even in the ugliest of worlds.

This ugly world was never ugly in His sight.

And His love endures forever.

2009-12-09T11:57:00.001+08:00

Many thoughts and timely ones too! :)

being victorious is a decision.

and i will stop being passive.

i will not be robbed of my joy

2009-12-06T01:51:00.000+08:00

and sharing helped put things into perspective.

2009-12-04T13:32:00.000+08:00

. . . . . . . . . . . .

music brings back memories

2009-11-19T13:22:00.003+08:00

wish list (and to buy list) :

85L, 35L, 135L, 16-35L

large tenba messanger bag (i will buy you sooner or later)

someone pls share the Love :)

to do for this holiday season:

Short film!

portrait shoots!

Wake up at 6am and shoot magic hour in the streets

Teach animation to HopeKids

Plan and conceptualise next year's major

shoot in the rain

sketch crawl!

pray, in January 1.

2009-11-17T15:05:00.001+08:00

pray, in January 1., originally uploaded by zeissizm.

"I called her name repeatedly" III

2009-11-17T11:56:00.001+08:00

"I called her name repeatedly" III
Originally uploaded by zeissizm

i'm wow-ed.

2009-11-10T15:52:00.002+08:00

Thoughts after listening "The basis for truth", impactful:

Why is it that the religious man is seen as prejudiced while the non-religious man is seen as objective?

pluralism may be a good thing but if it is extrapolated into meaning/moral relevatism then your are on the edge of destruction

Contradiction is to reason is to Sin is to life,
if life is embedded in sin, life breaks down
if the arguement is embedded in contradictory, the arguement breaks down.

by rebelling in everything, the person has lost his right to rebel against anything.

- post modernism brings along relativsim, nothing is absolute, things that are, are rebelled against to prove a point.

the tragedy of disbelieving in God, is not that a person ends up believing in nothing but alas it is much worse, that person may end up believing in anything

- when we don't (or choose not to) believe in something, we will be ultimately believe in something else (or to the preffered)

In the pursuit for reason and logic.

Immanual Kant:
"We can, unconfronted by God, use reason by which we may arrive at a moral basis
it will lift us there, secure us there."

How recognizable, how familiar to us, is the man so beautifully Portrayed in the Grundlegung. who confronted even with Christ turns away to consider the judgment of his own conscience and to hear the voice of his own reason. stripped of the exiguous metaphysical background which Kant was prepared to allow him, this man is with us still. free, independent, lonely, powerful, rational, responsible, brave, the hero of so many novels and books of moral philosophy. The raison d'être of this attractive but misleading creature is not far to seek. He is the offspring of the age of science, confidently rational and yet increasingly aware of his alienation from the material universe which his discoveries reveal: and since he is nor a Hegelian (Kant, not Hegel, has provided western ethics with its dominating image) his alienation is without cure. He is the ideal citizen of the liberal state, a warning held up to tyrants. He has the virtue which the age requires and admires, courage. It is not such a very long step from Kant to Nietzsche, and from Nietzsche to existentialism and the Anglo-Saxon ethical doctrines which in some ways closely resemble it. In fact Kant’s man had already received a glorious incarnation nearly a century earlier in the work of Milton: his proper name is Lucifer.
- Murdoch

- what is reasonable/logical in a society which has no absolutes? everything become accepted as logical, relativism.

- the truth and only the truth is the greatest weapon. it is absolute.

Knowledge is a deadly friend
When no one sets the rules.
The fate of all mankind I see
Is in the hands of fools.

Confusion will be my epitaph.
As I crawl a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back
And laugh.
But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying,

2009-11-03T14:09:00.004+08:00

Direction determines destination.

Intention does not determine direction. (good intentions are not enough)

Prov 3:5-7a

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;

trust in the Lord with all your heart

- trust Him with all of you. faith.

and lean not on your own understanding

- don't do things out of your own understanding, what you think is the right way to go based on experiences, personal understandings,etc. don't lean on your own wisdom.

in all your ways, acknowledge Him

- living with a God component in every aspect of life. every aspect includes what we think, our weekend life, what we shop for, our private life, studies, families (things we know we can manage well on our own without seeking God ) or even, for me personally, my future goals that i've set for myself.

and He will make your paths straight

- He will show you the way, in fact, He can't wait to do so!

do not be wise in your own eyes

- again, reinforces, don't think you're smart cuz God's smarter ;)

direction doesn't begin with a search for direction

direction begins with submission

submission precedes direction.

contrary to what many believe, we don't need information, insights, clarity,etc. to choose a direction

how many times when people advice us, we don't listen?

(eg.i know i need to exercise, but i don't listen to advices)

the book of chronicles and kings shows the many ups and downs of Israel and the outcomes of their actions on why they fall. it's still relevant to us, why? because we still fall inspite of having the information. King Solomon fell because he leaned on his own wisdom (and he was the wisest king there was), with all of his wisdom, experiences, riches, he still fell.

seeking information is useless if one doesn't learn and apply. and it isn't the main thing when asking for direction from God. sure i may want to research into what i want to do and all but the fact i'm doing the research into what I want to do shows that i already planned it out without God. Am I just giving God the options to choose for me? what if the options that i give to God are not the ones He has planned for me at all?

the fact that i am seeking information means that the information that i'm seeking is directed to something i possibly have in mind. it is initiated. we don't seek information on everything, rather, we seek it specifically.

what we need is submission, surrender.

surrender to God even before the question for direction pops up.

acknowledge God in all our ways!

trust God with things that we have control of too, not only the things we have no control of (eg. family health, safety of our loved ones, etc).

acknowledge God EVEN in the things we have control of, knowing that our knowledge and experiences will eventually lead to pride, and when that happens, the rest is history.

Pride eventually overrides wisdom

Arrogance eventually overrides common sense

Self-importance eventually overrides discernment- Andy Stanley

what am i controlling in my life from God?

lean not on my own expertise, wisdom, experiences.

2009-11-03T02:12:00.001+08:00

bogged and bugged down.

hanging on to You.

My refuge.

2009-11-01T02:28:00.001+08:00

wanting a burden. :)

2009-10-30T14:58:00.004+08:00

Decided to see if the ol' scanner is working and it did!

Here's some random scans :)

Lishan

RZ67 110mm/f9. Scanned from negs. Vignetting from scanner

My brother, my role model

RZ67 110mm/f2.8. Scanned from slides.

blues and hues

Contax G1 45mm/f2. scanned from print (scanner is dying thus lines)

one more

same as the first

2009-10-29T01:47:00.001+08:00

run run run

and away

goes

sigh

2009-10-25T16:00:00.000+08:00

made a boo boo today :(

2009-10-25T10:29:00.002+08:00

yays

yoo

y a y

recieved a long awaited email :D

2009-10-25T09:33:00.001+08:00

got this from Ms Wan, really touching :)

2009-10-15T19:58:00.001+08:00

wanna praise God for the going ons in my life lately! :D :D

though school has been a killer, wanna praise God too for my CG who's supporting me :)

also on my seminar.

I realised I've developed a habit of wanting to get things done and over with, even if the quality is not there, to me, i just want to do enough. I don't aim higher at all. Where's the spirit of excellence in that??

I'm lazy, and thats something i gotta change :\

for my seminar last week, i stayed up all night preparing it only to be pushed back a day. i didn't research though given the extra time. i thought since i've already prepared to present, whats the point. the thought of God giving me extra time to research did occur to me but i brushed it off soon after, i just didn't want to do the extra work.

similarly, the actualy seminar was this week. again another sleepless night as i researched and do up my slides and print. arrived only to draw lots and find out that i'm scheduled for the next day. i decided to prepare my stuff while waiting. class was delayed which gave me some time to do what i needed to do, an opportunity was given to me to go 3rd which i declined earlier, but since class was delayed, i thought to myself, i can take it and just get it done and over with.

sadly no one wanted to exchange their slot with mine. again the thought of God giving me time to prepare better came to mind.

at the end of the day, i went home and slept. woke up at 2am and was contemplatin on what to do, decided to do more research and thank God, i managed to find alot of things which i completely missed out in my prior research. i carried on all morning till class..

was extremely tired and also had alot of things on mind. i was constantly thinking about my structure too.. reached sch @ 2pm but my slot was at 7pm.

anyways, i got nervous as i presented, stuttered, choked on my words :S

but thank God for giving me the words to speak!!! my seminar went well, so well my lecturer gave an applause. I was shocked and happy.

God indeed is faithful. This whole thing is definately God, not me :)

He makes us the head and not the tail. :)

learnin to be excellent in the tasks given! :D

production week.

2009-10-11T12:19:00.002+08:00

Found 2 people who enjoys talking and reading up on philosophy! :D

and surprised someone who didn't know i studied philosophy too lol

unit was great, had fun with the guitar, thanks Rachel for your patience!

thanks Dad too for helping me with the songs >_<

had a good time of sharing and listening, i really thank God for it :D

encouraged.

2009-10-10T10:49:00.002+08:00

This thought of comparison just crossed my mind this mornin,

"Why do you say grace?" A friend asked once

I replied something like "Thank God because we have food that others otherwise don't have"

So he asked back "so you're comparing with other people? In this sense, are you looking down on them?" like saying, thank God i'm not like them (them referring to underprivileged.)

It was something to reflect about.

Can we give thanks in all circumstances without comparing? (comparing with others)

In some sense, am I developing this elitist mindset that I am exclusive to God (true in a way that God specifically chose us)?

If i compare, of course I feel that God is exclusive to me, I know that I am loved by God personally. I thank Him.

Even King David compared in the book of psalms. The wicked prosper and he was afflicted, he cried out why??

In comparing, are we prone to dissatisfaction? to not being content?

Of course content is a subjective thing, some may argue, if i can get better why not fight for it? (wisdom) some say I thank God that I even got the job and remain there.

with regards to the first thought, its like saying "He can work once per 3 days! I'm entitled to it too, (I'm only working once per 2days) so I should seek it." some will say this is working smart, some will say "you're already getting one day work and one day off, be happy with it, thank God for it and even compare that they're working everyday as oppose to you." I might even come across as arrogant in seeking it (claiming/demanding my rights/ what is mine rightfully).

What is ours? what is rightfully ours? Who owns it all?

God gives and God takes, it's all His to begin with. With regards to that, in knowing that I own nothing, where is comparison?

That God chose to give /bless me out of His grace and love. I am God's. My rights are His.

am not saying its good or bad. but when we thank God for something, check back, why are you thanking God? :)

because we didn't deserve it?

because others don't have it?

etc

I think more than just thanking God for the food with humility that it is His grace, pray also for the less privileged. A heart of burden and love. If one doesn't have, ask for it, don't simply psycho yourself into praying for the sake of praying and think that you have the burden. Feel for them too.

2009-10-07T12:36:00.002+08:00

2009-10-05T15:53:00.002+08:00

Was reading a submitted draft in which I ended the topic stating that i didn't have adequate materials to read and that it was mainly based on personal reflections and not on books.
My lecturer wrote in red under that line

"Kudos for honesty."

lol.

2009-10-04T00:51:00.003+08:00

These few days have been bumping into former Lasalle mates all over!

Bumped into Engie & Theresa @ Nat library on thurs, they were doing the Hossan Leong show held there, bumped into Ryan not long later at Bras Basah MacD who was collecting an album for his clients. Alberta surprised me today while I was waiting for my bus. Had a short catch up and was really glad to see him too :)

Gosh I realised that I do miss them all. Drama days.

Am sure God planned all these bumps for a purpose :)

Had steamboat dinner @ Bugis with the unit today and it was really fun! Really thank God for giving us seats at the right time and for the good food (though despite the variety of food present LOL) 'Was a good time. :DD

2009-10-03T03:13:00.001+08:00

opened my fridge and to me horror of horrors, i was greeted with the deadly stinking smell i'm so familier with. Durian. :(

it's stinking up the fridge and everything smells like smelly durian now D:

boo.

2009-09-28T21:25:00.001+08:00

I slipped away last night
Took me away from sight and the place I know.
All crushed upon my skin
This mess I put you in and the punch I threw.
It was a strange reaction
for someone like you to remain on side
And in a chain reaction
I was down and calling for a place to hide.
I saw a broken arm
Machines will all break down in the way I know.
Mended and all made clean
I saw up on the screen all the stones I throw.
It was a strange reaction
for someone like you to remain so sure
And in a chain reaction
I dissolve and break and then away I crawl.

Your love means everything

2009-09-26T09:32:00.003+08:00

motivated irrationality.

you know its not good, yet you still do it and you say its yourself.

this topic's popped up 2 times in 2 days and now make that 3.

2009-09-24T05:16:00.002+08:00

You know you're a goner when after typing your character synopsis, you save your file as WEDDING VOWS with full caps on.

alas the zzz monster strikes and is unforgiving.

I gotta recheck my synopsis for other typos :S

2009-09-21T22:42:00.002+08:00

Thank God

for blessing me for a comfort (specifically) cab on sat for service! there was another in front of me but the cabbie stopped for me! PRAISE GOD! :D

for blessing me with yet another one on sunday morning to Jayson's place! Praise God

for preserving my camera throughout the wedding! My battery went "flat" more than 5 times! but Praise God that i still managed to shoot till the end!!

for the people in my life and being there

for men's conference! wonderful day!

for the rest :)

2009-09-19T14:29:00.000+08:00

Isaiah 42:5-7

5 This is what God the LORD says—
he who created the heavens and stretched them out,
who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it,
who gives breath to its people,
and life to those who walk on it:

6 "I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;
I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
to be a covenant for the people
and a light for the Gentiles,

7 to open eyes that are blind,
to free captives from prison
and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

2009-09-13T17:27:00.000+08:00

This week has been a real drain for me. It's september!!
School has been really stressful, the people around me will see it from me haha!
but am really thankful for the people around me much, really.
Monday, I finally confirmed my concept(!!) stayed till 7+, met dvd & yenling for yummy dinner followed by a time of sharing with the DMM, celebrated my birthday~ though it was shortlived and i fell asleep (literally) almost after right in their presence!
tues was spent researching and typing the day away till the wee hours of wednesday, sent for printing and submitted. Praise God that it was able to be done on time :) came back STONED lol, recieved an sms to go down at midnight by xinying who took a cab over to wish me happy birthday and gave a gift :)
thurs, (birthday!!) spent the day in school which I felt was a wasted trip as the rest were at home preparing for fri's work check, drew and talked with people through the day (been drawing at a sluggish pace recently O_o that concerned me) met up xinying again who wanted to give me my present (really nice gift by the way :)) went home and drew the night away (again!) till friday.
friday's workcheck was surprisingly short and sweet. Was actually quite reliefed that many people couldn't finish funnily, (i kept thinking I'm rather far behind) and also reliefed when my classmate too shared that he's been drawing at a sluggish rate (so its not just me!!)
been staying in school to get to know my classmates better and am thankful for the openess :) went home to catch a few snooze to recieve wake up calls from 2 people followed by 2 alarms to wake me up for CG at night.
CG was a short and simple affair which I enjoyed actually :) am thankful for the time and I hoped that the cg enjoyed it too! brought out my cams for a walk too and it was rather refreshing to do something that I've not done for a long time. (Hope to do more again!)
sat, had school in the morning till 4pm (thank God it ended early! :D) learnt some nifty stuff in Maya! refreshed much in service by Julian's teaching (thank God class ended early so I could listen!) It was a good time of learning :) Went to mind's cafe with CG! (Finally~!) it was a great time and an enjoyable time too :D thankful that eugene & darren could make it down too. celebrated my birthday with the cg and had my 1st affirmation in 2 years! LOL was presented with a really nice shoe too :D

am really thankful for the people who helped me through this week, learning to allow people to carry my burdens too and more importantly, to continue to rely on God.
I thank You Dad, for bringing me through and for putting this awesome family with me!! :D

blessed

2009-09-11T00:58:00.000+08:00

2009-09-08T11:46:00.000+08:00

you bring smiles along with you :)

2009-09-05T13:33:00.001+08:00

Here I am
Humbled by Your majesty
Covered by Your grace so free
Here I am
Knowing I’m a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I’ve found
The greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down Your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands
Majesty, majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
In the presence of Your majesty

Here I stand
Humbled by the love that You give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand
Knowing that I’m Your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire
And now I’ve found

Now I’ve found
The greatest love of all is mine
Since You laid down Your life
The greatest sacrifice

I am humbled, again

and I come before Your throne in tears, in surrender, in awe

at my low, i find You

You amaze me, so much.

2009-09-04T13:11:00.001+08:00

catch me when i fall.

2009-08-30T09:04:00.002+08:00

The grey skies are kinda surreal this morning

the silence and peace it brings through the gusty winds

the smell of it, cold and light to the nose

somewhat fresher or could've been a forgotten scent

a breather before the storm

how I miss those.

in the stillness of all these

I find You.

I will brace myself for the storm ahead.

Hold my hand, guide me. Gently.

I will tread by Your side

You will defend me

my fortress, my shelter

my comforter,

my friend.

Cover me with Your love,

Secure me with Your steadfast hands,

Fill me with Your peace.

In the midst of the storm,

through the winds and the wave,

You'll still be faithful.

2009-08-29T03:44:00.002+08:00

just got home not too long ago.. O_o

its been a long day but really praise God for a good and fruitful one actually :)

the morning (starbucks!), afternoon (peranakan lunch!), evening (ramen!), supper (>_<)!

Am thankful for God for speaking to someone through me, thanks Dad :)

now, on to fight datelines :S

3 to go with 2 HUGE ones on the first 2 days of the week

2009-08-26T06:10:00.004+08:00

and all i could do was to keep my hands in my pockets

tired.

2009-08-23T01:12:00.002+08:00

this entire week's thinking and talking on perspectives on seperate occasions and 2 seperate occasions of reflecting on similar issues were interesting and tiring

i'm glad actually. :)

it shows what God is wanting to speak to me about :D

seeing problems with potentials/possibilities

trusting God for transformation against indifferences/skeptical/cynicism

allowing God to love me

an email

2009-08-20T02:01:00.003+08:00

I've gone back to school :)

In fact, as of this email, its already been 3 weeks (yes thats FAST!). It happened interestingly though, I was supposed to submit my portfolio by 17th July, I had 3 weeks then. Unfortunately, bazaar, reservist and falling ill each took 1, and also, i was honestly quite reluctant (i still desire for overseas school!!). So, a day before the submission, like all art students (or least most that i know haha), last min prep mode kicks in and i start to compile all my drawings and such. Many people often bugged me asking how was my portfolio prep to which i would only reply with a sigh lol.

Anyways, i submitted. I prayed too, before the interview, that since God showd me this sch and allowed me to register, I told Him that if I'm accepted, I'll accept that this was where He wanted me to go (though 1 part of me was hoping I'd not get accepted LOL)
the interview came and the person looked through my application form, asked a few questions and said "Ok, you're in. thats it."

I was taken aback actually and didn't know how to respond. I didn't know whether to thank God or not. This mixed feeling stuck through to me for awhile hahaha.

I told David about it and he replied me saying that i'm unsatisfied because i got in "too easily" and its not by my own works, it was God's and i could almost picture Him smirking at me :p.

I surrendered myself and went ahead.

God has been wanting me to learn to accept His love and to not always want to prove myself. And He constantly reminds me this "Not by my hands that I am saved".

Being accepted in school was one such lesson.

The next was paying school fees.

Me wanting to be independant want to pay my fees on my own, but soon bargained down to paying half out of my own pocket while my family pay the other half.

After I paid, I recieved a message from my brother saying he wants to pay my way through school.

I couldn't accept it but again was reminded by the above note "Not by my hands.."

My bro mentioned this:

"spend some time to thank God for having everything in place for you

u r truly blessed

n so is jem (my twin)

i m jus playing my role in what god has already planned for you"

Through that conversation with my eldest brother, I then began to really realised at how blessed I am and how much more God wants to bless me.

Anyways, schools fine, still adapting to school life and pace haha :)

CL-ship has been interesting and tough

took me awhile to adjust to everyone :)

though still having difficulties leading them as a group due to me not being very choleric (always worried if i make a bad choice)

but am thankful for the supportive people :D

I realised my group consists alot of phlegmatics and mels!! Which means its usually quite quiet haha which makes me a lil uncomfortable >_<

learning how to bond and motivate the group more too

though i really enjoy small cosy groups i got to learn how to break that and adapt to a bigger one now.

God has been blessing me through the group and its encouraging when people open up their lives to me :)

Its been 2 months already?

Serving alongside

jus

2009-08-19T01:22:00.000+08:00

2009-08-14T22:58:00.002+08:00

and when i asked for more humble pie

i recieved another plate of it. lol.

Praise God :)

2009-08-13T01:00:00.000+08:00

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take
things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal
with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal
value system.
ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential.
They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about
things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so
than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life,
seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.
ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most
things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different
careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without
purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of
values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line
with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self,
walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are
on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're
constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional
excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused
on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved
values.
An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a
problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need
time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in
sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at
their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become
excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments
which they are capable of achieving.
Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in
people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost
always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP
will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win
acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to
themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others,
and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a
person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to
others on their own level.
Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday
life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type
tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have
to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for
most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.
An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it.
The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what
they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with
their value systems.
ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability
to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment
to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.
ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time
remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could
be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep
many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in
their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and
new experiences.
Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at
times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the
ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along
in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best
friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always
consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else,
along with a basic joy of living.
ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are
confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in
situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and
ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive
with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.
Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments,
ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and
resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but
they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression
extends to others as well as to themselves.
ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented
individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts
which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain
centered and master the ability of following through.

2009-08-12T23:48:00.002+08:00

David shows up in the middle of this standoff, and the thing that David does that no one else does, the one thing that David remembers that no one else remembers, the one thing that David talks about that no one else talks about, is God.

That’s not easy for some folks to do, to talk about God.

David was sent by his father. “Go check on your brothers.” When David the shepherd boy arrives, he learns that Goliath is challenging the men of Saul. And David says, “Who is this that defies the armies of the living God?” Not “Who defies the armies of Saul?” but “Who defies the armies of the living God?” This is the first time that God is mentioned.

The reaction is from David’s oldest brother, sounding very much like an oldest brother: “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be taking care of the few sheep our father has left? I know you have just come to watch the big boys in battle. What are you doing here?”

David has come to speak God into this circumstance. Saul has made no mention of God. The soldiers have made no mention of God. David’s brothers make no mention of God. David comes not as a soldier, but rather as a theologian, and he speaks God into the circumstance. That is when everything changes.

The words with which we praise God shape the world in which we live.

There is something to be learned from this story, and it is not simply a moral lesson that the small guy can whip the big guy. The intention of this text is to reveal that God needs to be spoken into every circumstance.

We assume that the only reason for holy speech is evangelism. The purpose of faith talk is to change the neighbor. But there is another purpose, a deeper calling, a different reason to speak our faith. Sometimes we need to speak God into the circumstance not because the neighbor needs it, but because we need it. For it is in talking that we discover what it is we believe. In talking, we don’t simply say what we believe; in talking, we learn what it is we believe.

Until the speech of David, Goliath is the giant. But once God is referenced, Goliath doesn’t look so big anymore. Who can claim to be a giant in the presence of God? I have seen it happen in hospital rooms. I have offered countless prayers; but I have also heard testimony in the hospital room. I have listened as faithful people have tried to articulate their faith in the face of illness. And when they have been able to articulate what they believe, it is not a matter of eloquence, but a matter of honesty. When an honest faith is articulated, cancer is no longer the giant.

“If I have achieved anything in my life, it is because I have not been embarrassed to talk about God.” - Dorothy Day

taken from:

http://www.villagepres.org/sermons/2006/05-28-06.htm

Stumbled upon this notes while searching up David & Goliath, wow-ed. I needa apply too, to talk about God out loud in my life situations :)

2009-08-12T22:50:00.001+08:00

supposed to be doing something else but i'm not and i'm not sure why lol

2009-08-11T13:18:00.003+08:00

Isa42:16

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,

along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.

You sustain me :)

after much, i still want You.

recently been eating alot of well deserved humble pies and am actually thankful for them though i didn't recieve it well at first but after reflecting, i've learnt and am humbled.

lecturer thrashed my concept presentation on thurs and suggested i do something else, i was quite taken aback but i did understand his point

he also mentioned something which was exactly what someone else mentioned to me awhile ago, i was surprised.

Sch is going good after the 1st week, hope to adjust to it so i can keep up with the pace >_<

bought $120 worth of books yesterday lol

hope it inspires :D

2009-08-11T02:15:00.000+08:00

it always protects,

always trusts,

always hopes,

always perseveres.

2009-08-09T05:10:00.001+08:00

when wants and shouldn'ts clash.

2009-08-06T03:02:00.001+08:00

sketch battle!

click to see

2009-08-05T16:38:00.001+08:00

let it all out, let it all out

強がらなくていいんだね

2009-08-05T13:23:00.003+08:00

to love

You,

and to be loved

by You.

You're enough for me.

let it be right

2009-08-04T22:34:00.000+08:00

help help the wall is falling.

lol

2009-08-04T01:57:00.003+08:00

Only today then i realised how blessed I've been.

it took me this long.

Praise You!

Constantly You're reminding me, not by my hands am i saved, but Only through Yours.

trusting Ya :)

You take the driver's seat.

school was a ok~

went to sch at 9am to enquire about my timetable to be told that my timetable uploaded on the student portal was linked to a wrong timetable, waited for an hour. was really getting nervous as i was afraid that i'd missed my lesson (first class is usually @ 9am), funnily, i was the ONLY one facing this problem. i sat there and waited

and i started seeking God

for patience

that He'd deliver me

that He's in control

10am they printed out a copy of my timetale and my first lessons was at 10am! praise God!

classmates are pretty friendly :)

DMM today was great!

alot of sharings from one another, a very open session which encouraged me and at the same time stirred me. i miss these sessions! :D

2009-08-02T13:50:00.001+08:00

2009-08-02T13:32:00.002+08:00

2009-08-01T14:00:00.002+08:00

So I crawl back into your open arms.

Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.

Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

Your open arms, Dad

2009-07-31T05:33:00.002+08:00

and that was tough :\

thank you :)

2009-07-30T22:14:00.000+08:00

2009-07-30T14:17:00.002+08:00

and here i have nothing to say but :)

2009-07-27T10:11:00.001+08:00

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

-Ps63:1-8

take me into your presence

2009-07-26T04:51:00.002+08:00

thanks for asking and cheering me up :)

appreciated it though it was shortlived

it was interesting nonetheless

2009-07-24T13:00:00.002+08:00

God made yesterday's shoot possible!! in fact, He blessed my day so much! :D

Lunch with Hui Yu & Joe was fruitful! Praise God! Really hope to know her more :) I thought i was late as I missed my bus but miraculously another bus came when i walked to the busstop. Praise God!

It was bright and sunny too, Praise God! shooting was fun but came to a halt due to my camera dying but it suddenly worked after awhile, Praise God!

had good dinner with yenling, wilson & xiao wei. NTU canteen has yummy food. Praise God :)

had good company with xinying at starbucks too after, praise God :)

and He provided my last bus home after (which i thought i had missed >_<) praise Him.

want to cultivate a healthy habit of thanksgiving :D

2009-07-22T18:48:00.001+08:00

torn.

2009-07-20T13:56:00.002+08:00

was suddenly overwhelmed by the mass influx of info and task this morning :S

it really got me distracted and i lost my focus (i can't multi-task well lol)

decided to spend time seeking God. to be a mary and not a martha.

I was refreshed!

"People don't necessarily need to be sinful to be ineffective for God, they need only be confused about what God wants. To avoid Satan's deceit, study God's Word carefully and regularly. When you know what God says, you will not fall for Satan's lies."

taken from study bible.

the above note is so true. and it's happening to me :(

it also falls in line to what God has been telling me last week and reinforced again on Sat's sermon.

to know Him more through His Word.

I admit, i hate reading and not only that, i've developed a habit to read christian literatures more than the Word as i find them "more interesting" and helps me understand more. Fast forward that habit for a few years and the bible is non-existent to me.

i struggled with the notion "want answers? seek the bible!" how is the war history of Israel relevant to what I'm doing/going through now?

i realised i'm impatient.

and i learnt, that it is relevant. it shows God's character and helps me to know Him more through these events. knowing God is Everything.

I was sharing to a brother last night that I don't want a one-sided relationship with God but rather, an intimate close relationship in which we communicate and interact.

I don't want to know about God, i want to Know God.

the bible study note above was taken from Isaiah 36.

an interesting "battle" in which the Assyrians did a literal verbal assault to the Israelites. The enemy wanted to stir fear, confusion and even tempted them with food and land. Words are indeed more powerful than weapons when they have the power to instill things in people. They get past all our defences and go straight to the heart. heck even I was confused when i read through it (LOL). but the people stood their ground and refused to listen. even at the face of doom did they not even budge. they were standing on a promise from God, that God would deliver them from harm. God would defend them. (isa37:35)

These people trusted God with their lives. A God so personal He would come down to defend them Himself. Thats my God :)

And He wants to be known to me. I believe God wants me to know Him more than even my own desires to. And I want to include Him in my life, to be a part of my every moment. My fortress, my refuge, my defender.

looked through some of my old entries in my white book and was encouraged by what was written way back. The vision and dream that I had, the burden for the people and the arts, plans and goals, its all there.

am recharged.

thanks Dad. I needed it :)

turning to You

2009-07-18T03:30:00.003+08:00

God reminded me strongly about why we're having this BBQ tonight, a retreat for the success for the bazaar last week.

What can I thank God for?

I realised I was so engulfed about the results that I left out how much God wanted to bless this event.

He blessed us all so much.

He provided us with equipments, lobangs and blessed the event with great weather, crowd and that none of us were sick!

All the equipments costed me $0. yup, zero.

He blessed our mascot too! :D

as I look back, I am thankful. For my group too, to see them all serve hard together, that was rewarding to me :)

Thank You Dad, for reminding of this.

I want to continue have a heart of thanksgiving.

Today's BBQ was indeed fun! and a good time to catch up and also get to know others better. I had a good time at the beach just watching the horizon. Somehow or another it brings me comfort. I can just keep looking at it for hours (LOL) and have been doing so every time I'm there. had a good time at the sun jar session too LOL.

caught up with mum & jan and also got to know derek better. deeply encouraged by each of them and enjoyed their presence. was a fruitful event :D

2009-07-15T14:02:00.003+08:00

i was walking home one day and decided to explore a place which i was always interested in

it was a really nice place, greens and nothing else. furthermore, its an enclosed space. am surrounded by trees :)

i've always wondered how to get in there from outside and i finally found out. thank God for the nice place. a refuge.

didn't bring out my cam that day so i went down today to snap a few pics :D (its 5mins away)

2009-07-15T14:01:00.000+08:00

Isaiah 31:4-5

4 This is what the LORD says to me:
"As a lion growls,
a great lion over his prey—
and though a whole band of shepherds
is called together against him,
he is not frightened by their shouts
or disturbed by their clamor—
so the LORD Almighty will come down
to do battle on Mount Zion and on its heights.

5 Like birds hovering overhead,
the LORD Almighty will shield Jerusalem;
he will shield it and deliver it,
he will 'pass over' it and will rescue it."

2009-07-12T22:42:00.001+08:00

it just took one person to change it :)

to listen & talk

thanks Dad, for snapping me out of it

2009-07-09T12:40:00.002+08:00

2009-07-07T10:18:00.002+08:00

i hesitate.

again.

all that is there, is a blank page.

2009-07-06T10:21:00.002+08:00

the thought of it simply hurts.

i know not why, but it does.

then, when it did, i do know why.

and why i'm doing this

2009-06-25T22:13:00.002+08:00

and i don't want the world to see me,
cuz i don't think that they'd understand

when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am

iris.

when all else comes to a blur, a mesh of colors and shapes,
just keep searching.
you'll find that person soon enough, soon and surely.

seek and you'll find.

i need you here.
your presence
your peace
your strength
your guidance
and mostly,

your love.

2009-06-21T13:10:00.001+08:00

felt appreciated and fulfilled on saturday haha!
firstly, was drawing some random doodle on Yenling's tablet pc when they started talking about this old man who was looking at my drawing as he passed by, i thought they were kidding but sure enough i saw him walking by.
i resumed drawing (making a bigger mess actually) when again i was told that the uncle was behind me, i thought he was just passing by again when sure enough i heard him talk to me! this was a first time it has happened to me :p

later some of use decided to catch Pelham 123 @ cathay. I went down to withdraw cash via the lift. as the lift door opened at the ground floor, i held onto the 'open' button and waited for everyone to get off before making my way out. the last couple made a point to thank me as they got out, and it wasn't those ...thanks.... mumble/whisper kinda thing but an intended and audible 'cheers'.

those made my night :D

2009-06-19T12:25:00.001+08:00

this week has been an interesting week for me :)
For quite a while, I've been asking God to show me where to go as a next step and likewise also about schooling. Sad to say was that I wasn't pro-active enough/ earnest in seeking it that I just left it that way. A part of me was hesitant about studies. Though I know it is the next likely step, where and what to study was a huge question mark.
I wanted to go overseas, it will be 4 years. I kept telling everyone that I wanted to go overseas as well, I didn't want to stay here as I'm bored of Singapore and wanted to move on, venture out into the unknown. I was excited for it actually. Money wasn't a problem as I had my family support.
But deep inside, I thought to myself, is this where God wants me to go..? I kept pushing forward to overseas study. I had people's encouragement as well. But God hasn't said anything. Last week my 2nd bro came home and asked about schooling as well. Then he told me that they may not be able to support me as its going to cost more than $100k and likely, we'll need a bank loan. Which will take me years and years to clear. I was idealistic.
But honestly, realistically, that bogged me down last week. I'm a spoilt brat through upbringing and always/usually had things my way. Idealistic by nature. So, this was something I had to seriously consider.

Currently, education has been on my mind and I thank God for showing this to me (I've been asking Him for a direction and a burden) though it is still in it's infancy stages, I would like to develop it more. So the idea of me going back to LaSalle for my BA was a choice since it's been offered to me and it's only 1 year.

But I didn't want LaSalle, I was told that it wasn't good to study what I wanted to there from my previous lecturer. And if given the opportunity, I'd rather go overseas anytime than to stay here. NTU had a course which spans 4 yrs with no advanced standing likewise 2 other schools were to be 4yrs as well.
I've told people that I wanted the creative environment to study and to learn and to mingle. I was looking at 2-3 years of studies. Neither which fit my bill came about. I had to face facts that its 4 years if I were to head out.

But I've already missed this year's intake and its a long wait till next year's batch (sept & aug). Thus I slowed down my search and decided to focus on other things first.

I was reluctant to stay here too since I'm already so hyped up about going overseas, (and also I've already told everyone, pride/ego, i know -_-)

and again, this situation reminded me of when I was deciding to quit or to stay at work. I wanted to quit. me. But at the back of my mind, I knew that God wanted me to stay. I obeyed.

Here I am now, I want to go over and study, but God hasn't said anything.

2 days ago, I went down to a media fare at Expo, the school I've been wanting to enter had set up a booth there and so did quite a few other schools.
I went to enquire on Sheridan (the one I wanted), they were supposed to open up a branch here in Singapore this year Sept but have not heard any news since. They told me that they are to open in Jan 2010. Sheridan is based in Canada and its a 4 year course. Chances of me getting advanced standing would be close to 0% since if I were to stay here and study, I'll be the pioneer batch. Thus I still wanted overseas. (though i was told they didn't offer adv standing too)

But sadly, money is a HUGE issue. Honestly, I told myself, that God will make a way. God will provide. He knows how...
But God has been keeping quiet..

Surprisingly, I saw my school booth there, so I decided to enquire just for the sake of it since I was already there. Prior to this, a few months back, I chanced upon one of my lecturer who was having lunch just below my office. We sat there and talk and shared, he told me (and my colleague who was with me too) about changes in the school and it looked promising esp for my school (animation). LaSalle offered me a direct entry for a 1 year course which I declined last year, so I enquired again and was surprised that application for school was still open for Aug'09 intake.

This was an opportunity to study now. I am still considering and yes I can always apply and decline later. Honestly, I was disappointed in a way but also, happy for the opportunity. And am still seeking advices. I know myself, that when I want something, I'll forge my way through. Stubborness. But what has been keeping me from moving ahead was this: "Is what I want, what God wants?"

More of Him, Less of me.
To stop holding on to my dreams and plans and exchange it for His.

Looking at it now, this seems the most realistic choice and also the fastest way for me to enter education. And I don't want my stupid ego to get the better of me too :p
Yen Ling was sharing to me about how long she's going to take to clear up her loans and it really opened my eyes. o_O

Do keep me in prayer~!

2009-06-18T00:34:00.002+08:00

why do i feel this way towards this person?
what makes me feel this way towards this person?
i need to analyse, reflect and answer it.

sigh.

decided.

2009-06-16T01:24:00.003+08:00

Was having a chill out with some sisters from my unit at coffee bean today, as they shared about their school life in primary till uni, i realised i was being surrounded by smart people, rather those who did very well acadamically. i suddenly felt disconnected as these kinda people are those i can't relate with and are like what i see as a line drawn between me and them as i didn't do well in my acadamics and am the lowest qualified among all of them. JC life isn't something i looked to but also is something i deemed impossible for me, a 'dream' i just cannot reach.
i thought to myself, why am i feeling this way? was there really a line? why am i feeling inferior? i just couldn't relate to their stories and compared to what they've done and achieved, what can i be proud to share? they reminded me of multiple intelligence, about the various kinds of intelligence that each one of us excel in more than other areas. thats true, i thought to myself. how can i compare with them when i'm doing something totally different?
but i couldn't help but feel left out.

as i heard about what was offered to them in schools, i got really envious about it, in fact i got jealous too as i was never given those options for special classes and such. is this fair? this acadamic driven system rewards those who study hard but what of those who can't? are they even given opportunities to study these special classes? or are they doomed for ITE? it seemed to me like it as i heard their stories and experiences that i could only dream of. they've got a real headstart in their knowledge of subjects (arts, philosophy, graphic design) that i only started after i finished high sch.
but i realised maybe its not so different after all, we're all working people now anyway. do i care on how people look at me if they knew i was a diploma student? honestly i did and sometimes i still do but am learning from it.
what is knowledge? its useless if not applied (and i'm simply just comforting myself that they've had a headstart than me lol.)
inferiority shouldn't be gauged on who has less knowledge though as many say "knowledge is power", but what of it? really. knowledge is easily found :)
wisdom far surpasses that and is not easily found.

they soon started sharing their adventures in Outward bound. it really sounds amazing and fun but not something i'd do. why? i thought to myself, am i afraid? again this inferiority set in. i felt much less a man than them who went and braved such stuff. these built confidences too and aids in leading. i thought about my army life, sure i was afraid of some stuff but when i overcame it, confidence built up and that helped motivate me to move on to bigger things.
i begun to dig deeper in myself on the age old question, what is a man?
why do i feel less man than them? shouldn't i?
i had to break mindsets that i've held on that are superficial.
a man isn't gauged by what he can do. sure we are often looked to in times for help and support and when we fail to deliver (eg. fix a computer) we feel useless, less of a man, but is that the way? do we derive 'man-ness' from what we can do that others can't? i realized that is impossbile now that females are doing more 'man' things too. they're very capable on their own, that i agree. do i get my 'man' satisfaction when i can help them?
i think that shouldn't be the way.
sure we can support them and encourage them but depending on them to depend on us so that we feel fulfilled as a male is not going to help us.
if you eventually marry that girl and she ditches you for another guy, you're going to feel that you aren't a man at all. (you can't keep your girl? man you're lousy)

a man isn't derived from what he can do. (lil david would be the manliest kid for downing goliath with a pebble)
with that said, i comfort myself. LOL.
a man of God is seen first from his identity in Christ foremost as a child of God, a man of God, a warrior, a protector, a leader, a lover
next is his relationship with God. Obeying and following through, to lead and fight.
King David was known as a man after God's own heart. He yearned for God's presence daily. Longing for Him in a dry and weary land. This speaks alot about their relationship. depending on God doesn't make one less man at all, its what makes a man of God. a man who truly seeks God, confides, hides, draws strength from.

God used the most unseemingly people or at times, useless, people to do His work. Some of Jesus' disciples were mere fisherman but they've been called to do mighty things.

anyways these sharings were their school lives and am in no ways to compare. i enjoyed my school days and when i shared with some of them about it, they too were amazed and wanted to know more about it. so in the end, no one school is better than the other. and they, no than me and vice versa. :)

2009-06-01T22:52:00.001+08:00