Mixed. :) Thoughts. :)

don't u juz hate it when u typed soooooooooooooooooo much and u suddenly clicked onto something... everything elso is gone??
what you have typed... all gone???????
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH~!
haiz... now i'm quite drained...
was expressin out alot of stuff.... :( :(

but then again... God wants me not to be emotional... :)
but ya... i wanna let it out here... just let it out... once and for all...
God made me think just now... and its quite scary...
haf I been going through this with him?
i wanna let go.. but i cannot do so on my own... do i ask him? nope i didn't...
and yah... i should
been thinking through alot... alot alot.... juz now... hmmmm... was reading though her bullertin posts...
some surveys abt herself :p
made me wanna post.... really want to post it back... but with wrong motives... :( i want her to ask me questions back hahaha... so i won't post... and i know i might get a lil emotional if i do... cuz... my feelin is still somewhere there...
been troubled lately abt her heart...
she likes ferry... i dun wanna give her any false hopes anymore and told her abt it...
she said she doesn't have any feelin now... only God can revive it... said she nvr hoped in the dolphins he gave her... but yah she told me hefself last time she did hope that they'll end up together....
i'm just afraid that she's runnin away... coverin her ears and not listening...
i'm really scared of that...
i want her to be sure of her feeling... to face it...
but then again.. i'm juz scared that its me myself... that is tellin her not to like him or something... i don't know... my heart is just troubled...is it from God?
she told me she's numb....
feeling orientated.... mmm...
feelings come and go... can't trust them...
hope in God...

anyways... heres wads been happening since yesterday~! :)


Easter service was GREAT!!!!!!!!
yea~!
:LOL:
wow
i could.. well... finally concentrate.. hahaha...
but.. yah... really enjoyed it..
something i haven't really had for awhile.. :p
1st service was full house! extra seats had to be put in, and that wasn't even enough! ppl had to seat on the steps! :)
wow~!
the drama was GREAT!!!!!! woo~! funny! :) they did great~
I panicked though... the music was cut off suddenly midway though the dance!! O_o
i was screaming ! hahaha :lol: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
God showed me how i panicked... and boy i do that easily... so helpless!! O_o hahaha
When the rest panicked... they just kept quiet.. and probably prayed.. for me? i screamed. =p
Should learn to look to God first... :)
2nd service was just as good :)
had to go fetch wei lin to service~!
hahaha... you know what...
i was excited and nervous... my heart was beating fast.. o_O
well... because...
we haven't met for like 2 years?
and... she..
well..
she's my first crush... she knows it...we were 15 that time... haha >_< and...
she liked me back for awhile... but yah we sorted it out..
we told ourself no... and moved on... i was "traumatised" hahaha when i heard she liked me.. O_o
was restless till i couldn't take it... had to email her and ask...
that time she was in the drama team... hahahaha so guess what... i decided to join in too.. hahaha... and... then..that was the last time i saw her... she left church...
she came back abt a year or so later... but left again...
hahaha... still can remember the stupid things i'd do.. hahaha... like wait at mac juz in case she dropped by hahahaha.... =p
FYI: her sch and my sch were very near to each other and in between that distance was a Mc Donald where we'd meet.
today...~ :)
i've been wanting to bring her back... :)
met her at center point
haha.. she hasn't changed much >_<
she's still juz as short >_< but slimmer though o_O hahaha
she said she's quite scared... she knows whats going to be asked at the end...
and yah.. at the end i asked her... she said she doen't know... haha... didn't really know how to talk to her... o_O i juz kept sayin... relax! its still up to you! hahahaha... :p
well.. Ray talked to her... and she teared.... :) wow...
God spoke to her through him~! :lol:
glad that she enjoyed the service... and glad God spoke to her... :)

Went to chc after service...
Woah...
IT WAS VERY CROWDED!!!!!!!! O_O
woaaah.... the que was loong...
was at the north ent..
went to the east..
south...
my seat?
in the west.
=p
eventually... got in..
sat alone hahahaha in the south.. >_< facing the wall....
i couldn't get to the west side... =p
saw them from up here... hahaha she couldn't see me.. =p
and you know whats the first thought i got? hahahaha
God never failes to seperate us! hahahaha =p
enjoyed the service~
teared durin worship.... wow.... it was good...
just could express and worship freely.... :D
drama was good~ :) though i felt it was a lil fast...rushed.. o_O
praise was great~ (though i wished it could be longer...hahaha)
Emil opened up his heart to Christ~!! YEA!! wow!
when i saw his hand lifted up.... YEA~!!!
after service.. went to buy stuff
shared a bible for chi :)

walked all the way to mac and kfc juz to find it full house! O_o
haha... sat outside mac though..
ryan left first...
the 3 of us... hahaha
chat all nite long~!
talked alot! shared alot about our life... our family... our dad... our parents... emil's sis (she is one heeck of a sis!) really opened up our lives to one another...
:)
and we enjoyed it... was so funny...was so fun... was great
was fruitful :lol:
chat till abt 5?? O_O
i was already a lil "stoned".. hellen was resting on my shoulder.. and emil? hahaha still alive! >_<
walked with her home...
she asked me to stay over since its already so late... >_<
and i also had no cash..haha...
there was a small lil grey cat tailing us... hahaha she got a lil scared...
had to "guide" her home haha... she was so tired... closed her eyes as she walked... >_< *dong*
yeah.... fellow warriors... fellow workers..

walked to the lift juz to find out one of her bag is missing! O_O
her bag with her gym clothes and stuff...
she might have left it at the stadium...
hopes its in the lost and found... =p

she gave me a blanket to slp on the couch outside
then she asked if i wanna slp in her room...
was surprised... but ya.. i did... actually wanted to spend some time with her...
haha.. she said i was the first one to slp in her room... o_O

but anyways we needed to slp hahaha~ she has to wake up at 7 =p
i couldn't slp...
the aircon was leaking! hahahahaha
anyways... she asked if i was sleepin... i said not yet so she passed me her photo album.. abt her life.. when she was a baby... until now...

wow... hahaha... :)
all i could do was just smile as i looked through all those photos... really enjoyed it.... :lol: could see her life... her past.. her close friends.. her ex-bfs...her "crush"...
i love her smile... so full of life... joy... haha
told her to smile more~! it makes a diff in the photo.. :)
i really liked the photo of her in america... that was 6 yrs ago.. o_O hahaha... looked so happy...
:)
she said she didn't like to smile cuz it would show her chubby cheeks hahaha :lol: *dong* she is NOT FAT!!!!!!!!
but really.. she looks diff if she doesn't smile o_O
theres a photo of her... she's wearing shades and she looked like trinity of "Matrix" hahaha
she shared abt each photo... pointed out her frens and all...
after that she went to slp...
looked through her photos again....
thought to myself...
this is the girl... that i came to like....grew to love?... enjoy being with her...
O_o
haha......
so far.... she is still... the best....
and i really really hope.... that i can be with her.... that we'll be together... o_O
sometimes i'm juz scared that my heart is juz blinded with love... and all this is juz a facade... :(
but ya... i noe my heart.. and i can't lie... i do like her...

God... will you allow us to be together?
i've been negative about it... and still am...
haha...
but give me a sign...
for your plans.. are to give me a hope.. and a future...
i want to hope in you....

but overall....
let not my will be done... but yours...
i want to seek your kingdom first... :)
willing... to obey

i've stop pursuing...
but you know... everytime i think abt all this... when all like seems dead for me.... even when i'm writing this down
theres this hope in me... still has... i tried to kill it... but no i can't... it juz stays there... it won't give up....
i should give her up to you and for you....
but you know... this hope.... still hopes....
i should not hold back.
gotta stop hiding and face it.
I will leave it to you God. :)
I need you through this...
I thank you... for allowing her to a part of my life and allowing me to a part of hers...


i wanna be realistic.. not pessimistic... not optismistic...
i dun wanna hope in something that is not in God's plan.
a year later... will this be juz a dream? hahaha.. i don't think so... we've grown and learnt so much from this.. hahaha :)
hallelujah~!
amen.. :)

Let God write the love story of my life...

when i was in her room... i saw her calender...
last sunday... was the day... we first held hands.. (she wrote it there)
hahaha... :) thinking abt it... hahahahahaha
i tried to forget all these... it felt like long time ago... but...it was juz last wk! hahaha... this few months with her... feels like we've known each other for ages... hahaha...

today i wanted to talk to shepherd abt all this... been wanting to.. juz that couldn't find the right time... and today.. he gotta go off... :( he went to watch passion.
i want to account.
and i need advice... cuz i'm quite mm... confused.
God gave me a shepherd for a reason~! hahaha
wanted to tell nicole today hahaha...
really badly wanted to let it all out~! o_O
but ya.. didn't share with her... almost could.. haha but then again... should goto shepherd first :)

came back and slept... :)
rest and rest~ :lol:


GOD IS GREAT~!