Entering the wound..

whew...
was reading wild @ heart...

wow...

entering the wound.

"It is no shame that you need healing, it is no shame to look to another for strength; it is no shame that you feel young and afraid inside. It's not your fault."

... wow..
spoke to me...cuz i'm also like that..
i've depended on ppl alot.. but was disappointed greatly.. to the point i became "independent". i didn't want anyone else.. i can do it on my own. looking to others.. was what i thought as... weak. i became a loner, i went round helping ppl, but didn't allow anyone to help me. i refused to open up cuz i don't think they'd understand my problem and that i could handle it on my own. i was unconsiously killing myself.
until now.. i wanted to open up.. but.. something held me back... i hesitated.. cuz.. i was hurt. and i wanted to run away from it.

"I so identified with Will Hunting because I, too, was a fighter who saw myself as up against the rest of the world and I had also accepted my wound and never grieved it. I thought it was my fault."

I also identified with him... even though i nvr watched Good Will Hunting... but yah.. i know what he meant...
i gotta enter the wound... and heal it...
i know my wound... and i'm not gonna run away from it and ignore it.
but unfortunately... men.. if they are wounded.. they hide it and try to cover it up. to show a wound is a sign of weakness, that he got hurt. So a man tries to cover up and "move on strong". but a wound that never got acknowledged.. is a wound that can never heal. And God is strongly commited to us in healing that wound... and we need to know where to go.. for that real strength to fight on. And no... it is not the women... many men have make women their life.. the women becomes the center of their lives.. no.. a man needs someone bigger than that. Men often plead and beg their wives not to leave them.. why? because they have given the women the rights to validate them... as a man. Through the women.. men feels that they are really a man. They draw their strength from her. And who knows it better than your wife? she knows your weakness, and if she leaves.. you feel bare. and it shouldn't be the way.
we need God. Not women.
We go to women to offer our strength, not draw from them.
Only God can give us the strength we need.
We need to depend on God.
We were created to depend on God to run just like how a car is desgned to need fuel to run.
King David depended on God alot and he was a warrior, a hero and a King. He was a man.
He depended on God for his strength.
Ps18:1, 59:9

wow... gotta change my mindset. The world has changed the mindsets of men.... going back to God.

and now.. haha
back to my wound...
there was and is a wound.. still quite fresh.. and i hid it... buried it... and ran away.. nvr want to speak of it ever again and pretended like nothing happened.

its her.

not that she wounded me but.. its something else..
my heart... i ran away cuz i didn't want to know the answer.. i was confused... i was scared it was not me.
i haven't talked abt it for a long time.. till today.. this afternoon as i was bathing... i rememered..
"no,not yet.."
i refused to find out the answer cuz i was afraid of what might it be...
come to think of it now... hahaha...
why am i scared?
if its no then.. haha yah.. so be it. Amen.
i will face it.
cuz i know.... it has been affecting me.. the way i talked.. behaved around her. i've held myself back.
i've got my wound out... and it kinda hurts...
i still wanna run away...
:p
but i wanna take it up to You God...

currently.. i've resolved to take it as a "No."
until You tell me its not... but yah i think its a no too.. :p
and probably so does she :)
its been a great time... now its a new chapter... a new story is beginning...

onwards christian soldier
marching into war.

the battle for the heart has begun.

;)