indifferent.

Sometimes.. what i'm feeling is begining to scare me..
which is being indifferent abt many things.
my heart seems cold or even dead... and here i am wondering why.
its probably been this way for awhile.. and its tiring...
pushing a dead heart to do something
i have to think twice.. about what Jesus did on the cross for me...
a part will say so? and another will say don't you get it?!
a hardened heart is tiring.

i need God.

even though i say this... i will need to commit to what i say.

its a furious war.
i remember what alan shared abt his life.. when one starts to deconstruct things.
when one sees things from another perspective but not God's.
when you start to think that everything a person do has a different motive.
you start to wonder.
i face that. exactly that.
love is something i'm grasping a hold of.
a father's love. God's personal love.
i can't seem to grasp hold of.
why? cuz a father's love is quite foreign to me.
sometimes i envy those whose father loves them dearlym and i tell myself i'd be like that too.
and i want to get my love from God...
He's my only choice.
If i don't know what is love.. how can i.
thats exactly what my teacher told me before..
i acted a scene.. about a couple.
and he told me..
"Justin... you've got everything there in place, very nice... but you lack one thing... love. show it."

God is love.
its an excuse for me to say i can't know love. cuz God is there...
always.

i've probably been running.
but You never gave up and always chased.
i've pushed you aside.
but You nvr backed away.

why.

i know the answer.
but i want to know it personally.
i want to hear it personally.

i could never understand Your love.
really. and i guess its good
that why your're God.
Your ways are higher than mine.

how you love me...
how you cared for me...
how you use a person like me.
i seriously don't deserve it.

But... here you are... here.. now... with open arms.
"Will You?"


i want a new heart.
which i can only get from You.
like how Alan found his answer... i want it too... and i believe its possible.


serving with a dead/hardened heart is deadly...
before you know it.. the value of the things you've been doing start to fade.
you start to be indifferent.
you lose heart, motivation, zeal...... and soon... faith.
heartless. not cold.. but just heartless.

i've lost heart somewhere back there i realise.
i need a new heart.
a new start.

i want to feel more for You.
i want to be more disciplined.
i want to DO not just say.
i want to be extreme for You. because nothing less is acceptable.
I want to commit and love You more.
i want to seize the new life You've been holding for me.

i want You.

if you see me not doing this.
tell me.

i want to kill this laziness in me.

God reminded me.. just last week.. during cg.
He told me.

Don't worry, I'll back you up.
I love you Justin.

:) thanks dad.

i need a heart of thanksgiving.
to always remember Your real-ness in my life.
You've changed me.
You've heard my prayers.
You've forgiven me.
You've provided for me.

Thank You.

counting blessings.
will give a 2nd look to memorial of blessings and offerings from now.

this morning.. oddly.. i woke up in tears.
i dreamt about this guy.. (a friend) sharing a testimony. and it hit me so hard.. and inspired me... i just cried and cried.
wow.
sadly i couldn't remember what he shared the moment i woke up.
i only know that my pillow was wet. (due to tears probably and.... haha... saliva...eeeeee) >_< (yes i drool sometimes in my slp)

bummed around at home...
did a stupid thing though

went off to meet jo & nard.
we had a great time catching up and all :)
laughed like a mad cow.. lol.
went to the arcade & met up with them.. played a lil
and had lunch at pasta mania (jo's idea)
then off to gelare for a shake and waffle (nard's idea)
the shake was superb! chocolate overload ;)
had some laughs

went down to istana park for drama rehearsal
had more laughs and fun :)
learnt new stuffs too.
great.

:)

finally recieved my ns letter.
all right everyone... here it is.
i'm going in on the 9th of sept.

inside my head was screaming
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD!?????!?!?!?
OF ALL THE DATES!!?!??!?!?!
(for all those who knows me. you should know why i did that -_-)

o well..
God's plans.

a few days ago i read something that hit my heart.
felt the same thing when i read len's journal.
though this time.. some what of a smaller pinch.
but i won't deny it, it was there. :\
thank God. i haven't felt anything abt it for a long time. :)

had a conversation with weirdy last night.
abit weird bah..
cuz we used to like each other. we knew it. but we stopped it.
so you should know how it can get REAL awkward... -_-u
talked abt last time... bleagh.>_<
and i realised that the reason i was attracted to her was... ermm... kind of different than what i expected. seriously... i myself was shocked as i thought harder haha :p
anyways.. what's past is past
:)
thank God we didn't get any further than friends.
hahaha

o well..
the news of army will probably dawn on me tomorrow morning as i read the letter again.

58 days to botak-hood.
fats.. you've got 58 days to live before i burn ya
bwahahahahahahaha