personally

honestly things have been a blur for me recently..
business aka busy-ness got the most of me
and i realised i started to neglect on my personal time with God
i get restless and i start struggling in my mind when praying where often times my mind will drift off about work, or if not, probably day dream..
fighting to stay focus is really tiring!
active mind..

to really not think of work and just dwell in God is really hard

but rewarding :)

often times i will just think of someone throughout the day and i'd pray for that person which would inevitably lead me to pray for more and more and more and more
and then, the thought of just ending the prayer like that isn't enough for me... honestly i'd feel 'bad' about it, my conscience nagging at me..
i don't want it to be a one way thing and it shouldn't.
then, i'll ask God to calm me down after already praying about all that i need to pray..
to just talk it out.. release myself on to Him.
i'm a constant worrier and thats something that hinders me durin prayer but i'm learning.

i don't want it to come to a point when i'm broken then i'll come seek Him. No!
i want to learn to seek Him at all times! This i've told Him and i want to grow much.

these days are tough.. and when tough times come i'd want to ask God why but before i can even ask, i'm reminded of something else, i asked for it.
i can imagine God saying that to me
'You asked for it didn't you?' gently smiling
'mmm.. ya i know.. . . . .' i sulk

then comes 2 responses
either i choose to be 'strong' and keep my pride and move on
or i choose to just give up and say 'You win. God - 1, Justin - 0'

many a times?
my independant self would say, ok, i can still take it, after all, i DID ask for it.
like a child who refuses to give up
and God the father patiently waiting for me to take His hand.

ya, i asked for it.
and i want to be accountable to everyone who reads this lil blog of mine.
i asked God to show and teach me about His grace.
and if i'm too stubborn?
take things away till i've no choice but to give up onto You.

if thats what it takes to break me, then pls do.
i want a breakthrough!

and i thank God for making me think of ppl to pray for just to lead me back to Him
but i hope to improve in this. much.

gonna get way busier when i start work. :(
something i remember whom joyce mentioned to me,
guard time with God jealously.

had a rather bad misunderstanding with a dear friend recently
over something which i now find dumb
but at that time, it was really painful
but i thank God, for intervening

one thing which i've probably shared with a few was the feelin of being left out
been like that lately and am thinking through,
anti-social? nope
i guess i've always liked being 'different'
i'm naturally rebelous that way, i like to go against the flow.
party pooper? nope
i'd like to see both sides of the flow myself
but that'd probably lead me to being an outcast as well since people will find it hard to understand me

sometimes i ask myself, where do i belong?


am i allowing myself to be understood?
i guess i express myself differently.. but you be the judge and tell me.